17 January 2015…
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my cancer surgery & the first of the annual follow-up colonoscopies. I’ve already spent most of today at the hospital having blood drawn… an ultrasonic exam, an ECG & chest x-ray; all in preparation for the procedure.
Even though the prognosis is great; I feel a touch of angst… & feeling foolish I push down the emotions of doubt and fear… yet they remain to reemerge, I’m sure, in the dark tonight when the demons escape from their prison cells within my subconscious.
My whole cancer ordeal seemed “just a blip on [our] radar screen” according to a close friend. I suppose it seemed that way to our friends and family because I and Tilly immediately began the process of recovery. Within 7 weeks I was running 5k with no problems… and was healthier than ever. Without the scar on my belly to remind me every morning as i dressed, it was almost as though it had been a bad dream.
I’ve had two check ups since (3 month & 8 month… Missed the 6 month because we were in North America). Each check- was preceded by a few days to a week of niggling doubt…. (WHAT IF? … the cancer is back?… a NEW tumor/cancer is discovered?… etc.).
I am NOT “really” worried…. I feel incredibly good… not as up on my exercise program as I wanted to be this year… But, it is still early… there are no discernible symptoms AND still… the demons slip in a shiver of doubt.
The only person close to me who can totally relate is my son Chris … his one year approaches in another month or so… Chris told me that he ‘gets a little anxious before each follow-up’ … and then we both laughed a little because until the doc looks you right in the eyes and says “EVERYTHING’S OK’… your gut is tied up…So I expect he will be a little more “anxious” ; like I am now.
Tomorrow… Damn, I hate to wait… and the prep (if you’ve experienced it; you understand… if you’ve witnessed it you’ve got an idea…) is …
Well, what ever comes tomorrow… “it is what … it is!” OR will be. And while I am confident the results will be completely positive, like a good Boy Scout I am prepared..
ENIGMAS 